FULL HOUSE by Clare Monnelly #TinyPlayChallenge

Keep your creativity flowing with Fishamble's #TinyPlayChallenge
In these challenging times, Fishamble - along with many of our colleagues in the wider Irish artistic community - is working hard to keep imaginations lively, communities engaged - and most of all offer people the opportunity of creative expression. We asked our audiences: Would you welcome the challenge of exploring your thoughts and feelings through drama? Do you have a dramatic story that you feel the urge to work out for yourself, and maybe share with your fellow citizens?
​Below is one of the chosen plays from our global submissions.


 
Lights up on the kitchen/dining room of a modest three bed semi-detached house in Dublin. It is cosy, lived-in and spotless – a well cared for home. A worn out dog lies sleeping in his bed beside the fridge. MAUREEN and DECLAN, a married couple in their 50’s enter at a pace.
 
/ indicates the next line cuts off a character mid sentence.
 
MAUREEN      No, I’ve had it!
 
DECLAN          Maureen/
 
MAUREEN      I mean it this time!
 
DECLAN          Calm down love/
 
MAUREEN      NEVER the appropriate response Declan!
 
DECLAN           Sorry, I know, I do know that, isolation brain, just sit down till I make ye a cup of tea! DECLAN proceeds to make tea.
 
MAUREEN      Tea isn’t going to fix this one pal!
 
DECLAN          Pal?
 
MAUREEN      Yeah!
 
DECLAN          That’s a new one.
 
MAUREEN      I know I said they were all welcome but I was only really being polite!
 
DECLAN          You used to love them all being here!
 
MAUREEN      I know! I did! I really did! For little SNIPPETS of time though!
 
DECLAN          Well there’s no going back now I’m afraid.
 
MAUREEN      One of them could go…
 
DECLAN          And how do you propose to make that choice diplomatically?
 
MAUREEN      I don’t know. Last in first out?
 
DECLAN           Last in… like, last one of our children born, or last one to bag an other half? And just the biological offspring’s other half or does the child get the boot too?
 
MAUREEN      You’re purposely complicating this.
 
DECLAN          You don’t have the heart.
 
Suddenly the Friends theme music blares from the sitting room next door.
 
MAUREEN      I could find it.
 
DECLAN          Look at the place.
 
MAUREEN      What?
 
DECLAN          Look at this room! Spotless!
 
MAUREEN      And?
 
DECLAN          Well I didn’t do that.
 
MAUREEN      What’s your point Declan?
 
DECLAN           And look at Rusty! That dog hasn’t seen the likes of the walking he’s getting these days since he was a pup.
 
MAUREEN      He’s worn out, the poor fucker.
 
DECLAN          He’s delighted! And when’s the last time you cooked a dinner?
 
MAUREEN      I cook!
 
DECLAN           The roast of a Sunday and only because you won’t let anyone else near it for fear it won’t meet your standards!
 
MAUREEN      There’s a very specific skill to gravy that young people do NOT appreciate.
 
DECLAN          They won’t be here forever.
 
MAUREEN      I know.
 
DECLAN          And, isn’t it nice to have a busy house again, for a bit?
 
MAUREEN      Busy is an understatement.
 
DECLAN          I know the place wasn’t necessarily built to take 8 adults/
 
MAUREEN      And three dogs!
 
DECLAN          The other two are only small, Maureen.
 
MAUREEN      I heard them last night.
 
DECLAN          What?
 
MAUREEN       From the attic. There’s that floor board that creaks, ye know. I couldn’t sleep so I was up reading and… they must’ve waited till the middle of the night but/
 
DECLAN          Oh.
 
MAUREEN      Yeah.
 
DECLAN          Right.
 
MAUREEN      I believe the term is ‘TMI’.
 
DECLAN          Not ideal.
 
MAUREEN      No…
 
DECLAN          But hey, you want Grandkids so…
 
MAUREEN      Declan! Jesus wept.
 
DECLAN          It could be worse.
 
MAUREEN      How? How could it be worse?
 
DECLAN          Sure if they weren’t here, we wouldn’t be able to see them at all.
 
MAUREEN      …I suppose.
 
DECLAN          And you’d be sick of the sight of me by now.
 
MAUREEN      Never.
 
MAUREEN gives DECLAN a quick kiss.
 
MAUREEN      You’ve the patience of a saint.
 
DECLAN          I learned from the best.
 
With that, the kitchen door crashes open to reveal AMY, ROCCO & DIMITRI, DECLAN AND MAUREEN’s eldest daughter and her two French Bulldogs. ROCCO & DIMITRI immediately run to RUSTY, waking him up to play, barking and scrapping. AMY is wearing a giant sombrero, is laden down with shopping bags & very excited about…
 
AMY                FAJITAS!!!
 
BLACKOUT.
 



Clare Monnelly is a writer and actor. Her first play Charlie’s a Clepto was nominated for two Irish Times Theatre Awards (Best New Play, Best Actress) and the Stewart Parker New Playwright Bursary. Her second play minefield premiered at the Dublin Fringe Festival 2019 and was nominated for three Fringe Awards (Best Design, Fishamble New Writing Award, First Fortnight Award). As an actor she has worked with Druid, the Gate, the Abbey and Livin Dred among others and on screen for RTÉ, Sky One and TG4. She is an alumnus of Irish Theatre Institute’s Six in the Attic programme.

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